My Top Ten "The Mountain" T-shirt picks

Wear your totem animal on your chest as the ultimate metaphor for those nuanced emotional states you have been struggling to signal with normal clothing, overlooked actions, and ineffectual words.  Yes, "The Mountain" t-shirts will make you look sweet.  The real challenge here is to pick the shirt that will express your identity and not merely craft a persona. Choose wisely.

10.  "Bark At The Moon" is "Three Wolf Moon" with range.  This shirt lets people know that you can express your emo side with more than moon-howling.  You are also good at staring introspectively at the vast, empty wilderness, and being silently bummed out before bedtime.  This shirt, like its more famous cousin, is an analog for our animal natures, which are passionate and yet vulnerable. This combination of power and sensitivity worn "on the sleeve" seems to confer uncanny competitive advantage.

9.  The overly dramatic "Werewolf Transformation" is a more obvious metaphor for "The Mountain" patron's seething beast, rabid with chesty muscles and lust, just underneath the surface of this cotton-thin t-shirt and his gentlemen-like persona. Gentlemen-wearers (were/wear homophone ftw) will intrigue the ladies with the promise that they are one full-moon away from careening madness, and ladies who don this can properly identify themselves as receptive to savagery.  Oh yeah, vampires drool; werewolves rule.

8.  "Breakthrough Deer"--Same as above except this time it is a deer and not a man-beast just underneath the surface of thinly concealing decorum.  This is good for the "I may be shy, but I also have a horny stag in my chest"-look.

7.  "Lightning Rex" may seem like a children's shirt, but there is nothing like staring extinction in the face, especially such a toothy one, to sober you from the draughts of childhood fantasy.  Though this shirt appeals to any crowd's inherent affinity for dinos and lightning bolts, it is also a shirt for the buzz-kill realist, awakening party-goers to an appropriate humility.

6.  "The Pegacorn" is so rare that it may exist only in the myths told "from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream."  Yet even in these thrice removed meta-myths their existence is dubious.  Is it even possible for a unicorn and pegasus to breed? How was the artist able to add wings and a horn to a horse?  Yet there it is before you.  Wear it and bewilder everyone.

5.  "10 Kittens" is an obvious choice for hairy bearded guys.  Through the power of suggestion your bearded face will attract cute-hunting stares and friendly chin pets.

4.  "The Cow";Cows are noble and delicious beasts.  Wear this and people's subconscious desire to eat you will hopefully translate into goodwill--a plausible scenario given the West's vast accumulation of gratitude and guilt for the hamburger, which its citizens will freely express when presented with a cow that they cannot immediately eat (yes, even the mere image of one on your person).

3.   "The Mountain Yeti" inspires me to stay indoors.  He looks cold, lonely, and monstrous.  His particular suffering is sure to express my tortured soul.  Plus, check out that groin-area back-lighting!

2.  "His Divine Presence" features the white buffalo.  These are by far the coolest animals in God's creation since they prefigure the second coming of Christ.

1.  "Loving Wolves" is my number one pick because it is purple and these wolves are clearly in love.  I wonder how many successful marriages this shirt is responsible for?  These wolfies mate for life.